A Fat Bitch's Stream of Consciousness

A recent email from my sister, FAT BITCH:

I'm fat they had a potluck and I had a hamburger, corn, and a 5 layer piece of big ass chocolate cake from Costco. I actually only ate half the cake. The cake is huge and dark chocolate and I really don't like dark chocolate that much. Except with scotchmallows. Is there any way to make this damn filing crap more fun. And they were talking about thai food for their next potluck and some lady said anybody can make thai food you just need four ingredients. I didn't say anything the whole time though so they didnt know I was thinking they were dolts.

(l-r) The sisters: FAT BITCH and the sister with what mom calls the "lesbian" haircut

The Empire Strikes Back

The current empire waist trend has been a blessing to all women whose mid-sections are problems and also to women who just wanna eat a big ass dinner and not have to unbutton their goddam pants afterwards.

Conversely, the current empire waist trend has also been a curse, misleading you to believe that empire waist dress is hiding a bun in the oven, when really she's not.

Recently, I made the latter faux pas. I mentioned to a woman that I thought she was pregnant, but she wasn't.

DOH!

My bad!

I was at a boutique in Belmont Shores called La Bella. I was trying on jeans (the new wide-legged trouser style from Citizens of Humanity) and was concerned that the 28s were a lil tight. So I asked the non-preggers woman for her thoughts. Wisely and tactfully (tact-- something of which I was lacking), she didn't directly answer my question and instead answered my question with another question:

"Do you want me to get the next size up?"

"No, b/c I'm usually a 28 but I've gained some weight. So this will motivate me to get back to my original size."

"If it were me, I'd have to go like 10 sizes bigger."

"Oh, but you're pregnant."

"Oh honey, I'm not pregnant; I just eat a lot. It's the dress."

Oh man. I was SO SURE she was pregnant. I have never made that mistake before, and I felt incredibly awful. She had full breasts and a belly...and that wretched empire waist! Damn you, Empire Waist!

So, yeah, needless to say, out of guilt, I bought the damn jeans.

"Poong" means "belly" in Thai

Last Friday at my sister's graduation ceremony, I caught sight of a very large potbelly saying hello to me down the aisle from where I was sitting.

Oh wait, that's my dad's belly!!

Drain the Mozzarella

Mikey and I made a Trader Joe's pizza the other day-- meaning that all the ingredients were from TJs : whole wheat pizza dough, basil leaves, mozzarella cheese, mushrooms, pepperoni, and pizza sauce. We even wore aloha shirts while we made it. JK.

I won't get into details of the pizza process, but I will leave you with one piece of advice: If you buy mozzarella in water, you must drain it,or you will get wet pizza. It will be good-tasting pizza, but it will be wet pizza.